where am i from again
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
