If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize