you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
