On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
