I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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