I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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