in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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