I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
