my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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