I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize