It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
