Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
