I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
