Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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