I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
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