Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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