Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
