I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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