I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
He passed out mid-signature
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
