I can text with my tongue
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize