I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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