I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
