Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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