Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
