You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
