maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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