well I can't set my house on fire every night
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
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