areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
