I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
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