I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
