smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
