We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
