i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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