Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
We need a shit load of segways right now
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
