I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
