I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
