im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
