My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize