Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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