God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
So much Jack, so little girl.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
