My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Everyone says I win the strip club
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
