This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
