i think i have two assholes
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Randomize
