I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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