I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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