Dude my mom stole all your condoms
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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