the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
