My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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