i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize