look no pants
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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