I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I just want nice things and good sex
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
