Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
