How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
