i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
