i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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