I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize