yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
