i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
No more Irish car bombs ever.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
