tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize