Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
