he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
